I am not lazy or stupid!

I am not lazy or stupid, though I've often convinced myself otherwise and lived with those feelings for far too long. I'd like to share my journey with this internal debate with myself in case it may help you or someone you know.

"I am so lazy - why can't I just focus and do what I'm asked to do?" "I just have no will-power." "This is just too hard for me - I must just be too stupid." "I am such a piece of shit." "I will never be good enough." I have had these thoughts about myself for as long as I can remember. Once, in therapy, I was learning about "core values," or the things that you think about yourself as part of your core, deep down. The therapist asked me to read several short statements and pick the ones that resonated the most with me. I saw the phrase "I will never be good enough," and it resonated so much with me that I broke down in tears. I never knew I truly felt that way about myself until someone asked me to consider it.

These thoughts haven't necessarily gone away, but they are much quieter now. I can better reason with myself: "this may be really hard for me, but I'm doing my best, and I think I am doing a really good job." "I am struggling to get motivated to do this particular task - I think I'll take a break and come back to it when I'm ready." "I am not stupid, but perhaps this particular task would be better delegated to someone else." "I have ADHD, which is a neurological deficit. It is not my fault that I struggle with certain things. I can learn coping methods and obtain medical treatment that will help me, and it does not make me a lesser person."

The last statement is probably the one that has helped me the most. Obtaining an ADHD diagnosis was the first step to changing my life in a positive way.

It wasn't until the 1980s that the medical community finally came to a consensus, reflected in the current DSM-V, that ADHD is not a disorder that only affects children. The utility of the DSM-V in the diagnosis of adults has been heavily challenged since the DSM-V does not include many common traits of the disorder, including: oppositional defiance, executive function impairment, and cognitive, motivational and emotional impulsivity, among others. Additionally, symptoms of ADHD must have been present before the age of 12. Yet there are many adults, myself included, that never had an intervention prior to the age of 12. As one of my therapists stated, "when you're smart, no one cares."

Also, a quick note that "ADD" technically no longer exists. The clinical term has changed to ADHD, which also isn't really a great way to define it since not all persons with ADHD have hyperactivity. You can still have ADHD without showing signs of hyperactivity.

Genetics plays a large factor in whether or not someone is more likely to have ADHD. Other factors can affect the likelihood of having ADHD, including head trauma, improper prenatal nutrition or even heavy lead exposure. There is a biological basis to the disorder. It is not a moral or a personal failing. Brain scans find several differences between the ADHD and the non-ADHD brain. About 5 to 8 percent of the American population has ADHD. In lawyers, the figure rises to 12.5%!

Having ADHD can be challenging. However, as Drs. Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey aptly point out: "The other part, the part that the DSM-IV [note: this was written prior to the current DSM-V] and other catalogs of pathology leave out, is the zesty side of ADD. People with ADD have special gifts, even if they are hidden. The most common include originality, creativity, charisma, energy, liveliness, an unusual sense of humor, areas of intellectual brilliance, and spunk. Some of our most successful entrepreneurs have ADD, as do some of our most creative actors, writers, doctors, scientists, attorneys, architects, athletes, and dynamic people in all walks of life."

ADHD does not mean you will be subject to a life of suffering, nor does it mean that you will be a failure. People who have ADHD often exhibit a number of advantageous characteristics, including: persistence and resilience, empathy, intuitiveness, and original thinking. There are certain negative traits that can be overcome, primarily with a combination of medication, therapy and coaching. These traits include: difficulty in explaining thoughts to others or turning ideas into action, underachievement, financial impulsivity, inconsistent performance, engaging in high-risk activities (we constantly seek dopamine hits!), the tendency to be a maverick, and poor ability to organize or manage time. Also, everyone may experience these symptoms from time to time. However, the difference between someone with ADHD and someone without, is that these symptoms are experienced more intensely by someone with ADHD and can affect the quality of their life. It becomes a disorder when it impairs a person's life and affects their ability to carry out daily tasks.

If any of the above resonates with you, I highly encourage you to contact your doctor. There may be other underlying causes, such as depression or anxiety. But if, like me, the depression/anxiety diagnosis and treatment alone was not providing any relief, it may be time to consider if there is something else causing your symptoms. For me, addressing my untreated ADHD has resulted in an extreme reduction in anxiety and a complete eradication of depression.