Getting shit done : Is it depression or something else?

In September 2020, I found myself completely demotivated and was wondering what the hell was going on. I've always considered myself a super driven and motivated person. At my last job, my boss commented, "I like Kimberly. She just gets shit done."

But there I was, finding myself unable to enter my time (the dreaded billable hour), and having a panic attack about it. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just put my head down and get it done? Was I depressed? Was it something else?

I had suspected my depression and anxiety were playing a large role in my inability to get shit done, but I was also wondering if it could be something else. Did I not enjoy practicing law anymore? Or maybe I was just sick of doing the same type of law?

Now that I have some distance from those feelings, I can see that my demotivation was the side effect of a mix of depression, anxiety and undiagnosed ADHD - the trifecta of comorbidities. However, evaluating these feelings also brought me to an important question that maybe we should be asking ourselves more often: what drives me?

Gen Y, or millennials, look at work differently than our parents did. Money will probably never stop being one of the main factors driving employees, but for millennials, work is more than a means to an end. We want work/life balance, and we want purpose at work. My dad would roll my eyes at this. Sorry, dad.

I realized, at least for me, having purpose at work is way more important than impressing my boss, making lots of money, or even becoming an expert in my field. I couldn't do what my dad did, which was: work at a job he didn't even like, slowly climb the corporate ladder, and retire without ever finding out what he wanted to do when he grew up. He did that for like 30 years.

Without purpose, I don't think it would be sustainable for me to continue working as I do. It's not a 9-5, clock in / clock out world anymore. We carry mini computers in our hands at all times. We can connect virtually with anyone at any time. If you don't find purpose in what you do, this kind of constant connectivity would be enough to make you scream. I know some lawyers who uninstall their work email app when they go on vacation. But what about the rest of the year?

I am not a parent. I suspect my dad found purpose in me and my brother, two very important external drivers. It didn't matter that he didn't like his job because he had to put food on the table. But it's different now. Millennials (and post-millennials) are the most educated and debt-ridden generation, and we are having children later and later in life. Women have more choices than ever before (though, we still have lots of work to do in this area). However, we are probably going to be the oldest generation to retire. We're probably going to be doing this longer than 30 years.

All that is to say, you better like what you do, or it's going to be a very loooooooong life.

So, in September, when I found myself dreading logging into work, I really had to figure out why and quickly because I didn't want to waste time in a career I no longer liked. It turns out that I still really like my job, and depression happens. There is a light at the end of that tunnel, and if you can find it, the clouds may just part again to allow the sun to shine through.

I've decided to check in with myself on a regular basis. I see a career coach every other week. I see a therapist once a week. These things aren't just important for me to land that next promotion or to talk through trauma. I consider it a non-negotiable aspect of my personal and professional growth.

I'd love to see employers offer career coaching and access to mental services to their employees (and not just by giving healthcare benefits). Happy employees are engaged, and engaged employees are productive.

This isn't just some millennial woo woo, hippie dippie bullshit. This is how I get shit done.